The labyrinth, revisited

Hello, you!

It’s been a  little while since I’ve been able to put three words together (or three minutes!) in this space, and I have so many things I want to tell you.

About the glorious Oregon woods that are simply on fire with autumn beauty. About the fog that makes those woods glow in the morning. About long scarves and cozy hats.

About my favorite traveling labyrinth that came back to campus to teach me more things last week. About dance class and all the good (and hard) things it is teaching me. About my project that recently launched into the world and then promptly sent me into silent retreat about What Next. Continue reading

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Gratitudes

This week I am sublimely grateful for everything that got me to this point: because today I launched my sweet new thing out into the world, the project that’s been percolating for several months and then the focus of more intense work over the last two weeks. Continue reading

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In medias res and in medias satis

In medias res

I’m in one of those roller coaster projects right now. You know the kind? It starts in fun town and plummets straight to hell and then somehow comes back to a good place again. It’s nice to be back in a good place (so very, very nice) …but damn, it can be tiring to visit hell.

Hell is the place, for me, where usually-friendly monsters turn into demons. Where my self goes into hiding, and all I can do is listen and agree with them. It’s a frightening place. I’m back, though. E quindi uscimmo a riverder le stelle.

And: I’m back with some notes for next time I find myself in the middle of that hell again: Continue reading

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Hello, project

Toolbox, temporarily

For the next two weeks I’m working on a wee project that I dreamed up, oh let’s see…a whopping six months ago! (Goodness. That’s a testament to: planting seeds and trusting they will grow against all odds; patience, of course; the awesomeness of Secret Play Dates; life being generally busy and occasionally sad/confusing and moving with its own unpredictability.)

I’m using Maryann and Shannon’s Why Not Now group to hold a nice little container of accountability and action and support for this project, which will be: launching one tiny piece of a much bigger project I’ve been dreaming about. Continue reading

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Silliness and scribbles (Secret Playdate #4)

Today is Day 15 of my 30 day giveaway project, but today is also a Super Grumpy Day.

(How grumpy? So grumpy. Super grumps-a-lot. Because I don’t want to do A Thing. On a ridiculously hot day. Ugh, grumpy.)

But while I’m taking my Grumpus Monsters to the happy spa (literally, I’m going to get a hair cut!), I want to tell you about an awesome thing. I did another Secret Playdate! Continue reading

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Seeking the edge of irrationality

So I’m doing this thing, right? Thirty days of giving things away. A couple boxes or a small trunkful at a time. Shifting the physical stuff when the emotional stuff feels too scary…except knowing that eventually the physical stuff will run into the emotional stuff. It’s a sneaky stuff party! 
 

This week I kept thinking: This is too damn easy. I was having so. much. fun! I had to pace myself. I had to refrain from going on a cleaning splurge!

Don’t give it all away at once, I kept thinking! I’m going to hit Day 30 in no time and have to commit to an extra month in order to get to the hard stuff!

I began to think, maybe my irrational nostalgia* is not as strong as it used to be — maybe I’m just ready to give up everything. And if so? Bring it on!

And then, of course, I hit a tiny wall.  Continue reading

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Shifting one part of the puzzle

I’ve been feeling a particular kind of stuck lately and it feels like this: thing X is working great and in theory I feel safe enough to work on thing Z, and it’s about time! Because I’ve been waiting and waiting to work on thing Z some more, and get back to the awesomeness of six months ago when thing Z was in a total state of flow, remember how awesome that was, wow, and I want to work on thing Z so badly!

And yet it just isn’t happening. 

I had an epiphany about this dilemma the other day when I read Victoria’s excellent When Pushing Through Doesn’t Work, in which she drops this freaky gem of spot-on brilliance: Continue reading

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Tiny reminder about dreams

Here a tiny reminder (to myself, perhaps to you too?) about dreams, visions and unlikely-but-wished-for transitions:

Just because someone did it one way doesn’t mean you have to. Nor do you have to adopt their fears about it. In a transition, it’s tempting to grab onto someone else’s story of how they did XYZ and think, I could try that or more commonly That must be the way people do this or quite depressingly I don’t want to do it that way so maybe that means I’m not allowed to do it at all. 

Sweetpea, love your dream and don’t let it go. But seek the side path. The native impulse that lives in your gut. The heart-map that feels right and true.

This is not about “be unique” (but yes): it’s about knowing about this temptation to grab onto someone else’s story. And learning about how to get comfortable sidestepping that story (sneaky fox!) to do in your own way.

Remember, this is valid for all the big stuff.

The ballet class. (Need to write about this soon!)

The big scary opportunity.

Parenting.

Self-love on the sobriety spectrum.

Marriage.

Life (of course).

But don’t let it scare you. Just write it down in the Book of You and don’t forget to reread it once in a while. Especially in transitions. Especially. Because it’s now, baby. You need this magic and this tiny reminder now.

 

(This post brought to you by the brain-scrambling pattern-rejiggering craziness of Havi’s Shiva Nata Destuckification & Play Series, which started Tuesday night. As usual, there was a bit of a delay, and only just now did this Tiny Reminder About Dreams pop up and say hi! Important realization! So I thought I’d share it with you. Hi, friend. How are you doing today? Thank you for reading.)

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Nancy Drew and the Big Scary New Thing

Won’t you play Nancy Drew with me today? Today I need to take some notes and do some sneaky figurings-out on the topics of Things I Know, Things I Think I Know, and related stuff about a New Thing.

There is a big opportunity waving at me right now, saying Hi! Here I am! New Thing! Come and check me out please! But as sometimes happens in life, I have a belly full of conflicted feelings about it. So rather than dither and hand-wring all on my lonesome (which usually results in a lot of muddles) I though I would write about it.

Notes on New Things

First things first! New Things can be pretty scary. This is known. It’s one of the first things in the Book of Me.

So it’s natural and normal and expected to have some worries in the belly. It doesn’t mean the New Thing is bad or good.

Also, careful detective work has shown that New Things are usually about 80% less scary than I think they will be.

But! Important caveat! New Things = Scary but also New Things = learning! That excites my brain! So there are good things hidden inside the scary.

But also, this anticipation (both positive and negative) offers important clues on What I Care About.

So then, what do I care about? Continue reading

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The hardest thing

I learned an interesting thing this week.

Yesterday, at 9:23 in the morning, I said something to my spouse that I thought would be the hardest thing. It’s been building for months — the secrecy, the will-I-or-won’t-I deliberations, the heartache and confusion — and then I finally said it:

I said, I had an affair.

And then I said, I’m sorry.

And then I said, I don’t know what it means yet.

I thought it would be difficult. And it is incredibly painful to be vulnerable and to know that inside the vulnerability is not some sweet seed of connection but an act that caused pain to another person. And to myself and to our daughter as well, of course.

But I thought it would be difficult because it has everything to do with the pattern of scarcity, of not-enoughness, which is actually not about enoughness but my worst fear, the one that hides even deeper than fear of loss of self: my worst fear is that I will be rejected.

And…I wasn’t.

But that wasn’t the hardest or most confusing thing, by a long shot.

No, the hardest part came when I got in the car and drove away from the counselor’s office and started thinking to myself, Why can’t I feel anything?

Not because it wasn’t a valid response; not because I wanted to feel anything in particular.

But because I was also thinking, It’s been like this for a while. And worse: I know exactly why. And I know how to fix it. And how hard it would be.

Continue reading

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