In medias res
I’m in one of those roller coaster projects right now. You know the kind? It starts in fun town and plummets straight to hell and then somehow comes back to a good place again. It’s nice to be back in a good place (so very, very nice) …but damn, it can be tiring to visit hell.
Hell is the place, for me, where usually-friendly monsters turn into demons. Where my self goes into hiding, and all I can do is listen and agree with them. It’s a frightening place. I’m back, though. E quindi uscimmo a riverder le stelle.
And: I’m back with some notes for next time I find myself in the middle of that hell again:
- Don’t forget to go to sleep! How your project looks at night, after a very long and tiring day, is probably not reality. It will always look better in the morning.
- Special reminder: when you’re convinced (usually at night, of course) that the project looks like hell only because life is hell and life is meaningless this is also a good sign that you should go to sleep, already, because your brain is shutting down. You’re running out of juice. It’s a signal (sleep needed!) not a sign of your worth or the project’s worth. Do not abandon your project. Let it rest if it needs to. Give yourself permission to rest.
- When in doubt, bring more of yourself into it. This always helps. In my case, it’s meant turning my craft project’s electronic component into something more like a zine (scissors and paste and photocopies! A very me approach!) instead of something designed in a fancy program (not a very me thing to do, or not yet). This is also something I’m learning about from the amazing Tara. Bringing more of yourself into your project is also a good way to get out of the post-hell blahs and get back into the feeling of genuine excitement. Yay!
I’ll leave it there. There is an extra (and extra-personal!) set of notes I’m taking on how this all relates to hormonal rollercoasters, too. I’m leaving notes for Future Me on how to get ready and plan ahead for next time, with extra rest and love. What Havi has been writing lately about conscious entry and exit is so apt, too. This is all about gentle noticing, processing the process, and playing with patterns.
In media satis
Meanwhile, whatever happened with my giveaway project? Well, I didn’t quite get to my original goal of thirty days. I got very, very close, and then life got in the way.
This is frustrating. I did this because I wanted to get to the hard stuff and now it seems like I stopped just before getting to the truly difficult stuff.
If I haven’t felt any lingering regrets about the giveaways, does that mean I was less attached to things than I thought? Did I stop two days short of my goal because I was unwilling to risk the harder decisions? I’m not sure.
But I’m also calling it enough. Twenty-eight trunkfuls of stuff given away, freely and consciously and hastily and planfully and tiredly and thankfully, is enough.
It’s afforded me more space in my home. In my closets and cupboards and drawers. More space in my mind, too.
Less digging for what I want, more trusting that I have what I need.
It’s a good feeling. It’s enough, satis.
And I’m enormously grateful.
Thank you, as ever, for reading. Much love to all your projects and monsters and occasional demons and all the exits and entries. xo