Checking in with the Not-Rightness

How am I feeling?

Pretty good — recovered from my cold! But not at home or at rest in my physical self — that is the important thing. (Ahh. It feels so good to admit that!)

What is not comfortable?

This shoulder tension just won’t go away. My upper back and shoulders and arms are at war with each other! Almost like the fascia is all kinked up and glued together wrong.

It makes me want to lie on a rolled-up blanket under my spinal column and let my shoulders just fall away to either side.

Well, that seems rather specific. How about we do that right now and then come back to this?

[Five minutes later.]

I feel taller. Like my heart was opening up.

But I can’t maintain that straightness and openness — everything falls forward and closed when I try.

What’s going on there?

It feels like I’m not supporting the structure that I need.

Aha! Because it’s hard to relax if fluidity isn’t balanced by stability. These places of tension (shoulders, neck, back, and weirdly, my inner thighs) are places where the structure is out of alignment with gravity (thank you Larisa for that piece of illumination!).

What supports structure?

Regular practice. Anything that helps me tune into my body and its needs.

Mindfulness of the upright cup of the pelvis (tee hee, dead butt!).

But most importantly: balance in creation of the structure. If I’m focusing on creating structure in one part of my body (cycling class!), this needs to be balanced by structure in other parts of the body.

Okay, so I know what I need now, right?

Wait a minute…let’s talk about this.

Because the thought of implementing a practical solution to this dilemma makes me feel immensely weary and annoyed. What are the patterns hiding there?

The “I can’t believe this is going to require work” pattern.

The “there’s no way to do this in an easeful, fun way” pattern.

The “I can’t possibly find time to deal with this” pattern.

Reluctance. Fatigue. Boredom.

While I can’t actually solve the the sadness around the fact that Doing Requires Doing, I can say hello to that sadness and let it know that I won’t ignore it. And if I can’t see an obvious path towards a fun and easeful solution, I can at least make a tiny gwish in that direction and give it time to sort itself out.

I can give myself time in general! Because it is very helpful to remind the impatient, bored ten year old me that things do take time. Especially when working with old patterns and longstanding structural issues. We are building a bridge, and that takes time.

Okay, I think that’s enough for today. This was very useful to help me think through the issues and the feelings that seem to be all mixed up with the muscle tension I’ve been dealing with. I hope you are all well, and that your February is getting steadily brighter. (And that your own inner ten year old has  a really good book to read. It makes it so much easier to get things done!)

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About jesse k.

Writer. Mama. Spy in the house of self-awareness. Occasional crafter, letterpress geek, and academic snob.
This entry was posted in Checking in, Interview With A Mirror, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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