Oh dear oh dear. I am in a dither.
It’s Monday, and I was going to write here about a very specific epiphany thing, as promised, but instead I am scared scared scared.
And it’s about something completely different. (I think.)
Remember how I had that scary conversation about, among other things, productivity? And ever since then I’ve been thinking about ways to be more productive, less distracted by Internet, and other good things like that?
Well, I think it’s working almost too well, because I had a SUPER productive day, and it’s freaking me out.
This reminds me a little bit of when I started this blog, had a lovely sprint of productivity, then promptly went into newbie overdrive and ripped the rearview mirror off my car, among other crazy things.
Basically, I didn’t go about my productivity in a very measured way.
Here’s what I am noticing:
This pattern is all about self-doubt and second-guessing.
It reminds me of: when I went skating too fast that one time and then broke my ankle (true, sad story).
Part of this pattern’s purpose is to help me. I do need to slow down, or at least bring more attention to my speed.
Part of this pattern is that it’s all about entering unknown territory. What happens if I sustain this productivity? What would that feel like?
Part of me is genuinely afraid of velocity (for good reason, cf. rollerskates) and another part of me is afraid of success. It’s worth it to try to separate out the two.
But all these helpful mindful thoughts aren’t being so helpful tonight. I’m just feeling uncomfortable with myself, with the self-sabotaging choices I’ve made, and how I’m fighting with myself about whether something can even be considered a legitimate reward or just an unnecessary indulgence. Urghghghg.
This is where I’m at tonight: a little bewildered with my own inner machinations.
A little saddened and a little frightened.
A little tired and a lot full-of-thoughts without feeling especially thoughtful in the good way.
(Hope to write more soon about that epiphany I mentioned, but just had to share where my mind is today/tonight, because I originally planned to post it today, and now I’m realizing that’s just not going to happen. Which is yet another piece of the mild grumpiness I can feel squatting in my belly like a dispeptic toad.)