Very Personal Ad No. 9: Love potion!

Well of course this is the Love potion VPA!

If that title doesn’t make sense to you, think back to your classic oldies phase — what? Doesn’t everyone go through that phase in middle school? No? Just me? Ah well.

1. Love potion for the little voice

I spent a lot of time rallying (Rally!) with Balance last week, investigating patterns, drawing up maps, mucking around with my brain furniture and generally getting confused (in the best sort of way).

And along the way, this really tiny voice started showing up. And getting insistent that I listen. And every time I tried to ignore it, it wreaked HAVOC. Oh my.

The tiny voice gets outrageously upset at the tiniest transitions (like the end of lunch!) and seems to be grieving something. Constantly. And it is really, really, really uncomfortable to listen to it when I’d rather be, y’know, doing something else.

What I want: To love the little voice

Ways this could work:

Oh boy. Well, I could ask the voice what it wants — though so far all it seems to want to do is gnash its tiny teeth. Quietly, of course. Why is it mourning? What is it trying to tell me? What does it need?

I could give it love without asking it to make sense.

I could design an invocation to write/speak when tiny transitions occur — because no transition is too minor for the Little Voice to ignore, oh no! All transitions are big.

I could bring the tiny voice with me to Shiva Nata and see what turns up.

Something unexpected! Perhaps Jiminy Cricket will jump out of my pocket and I’ll realize I’m not crazy after all. Wait–well, at least I’d realize it was a fictional cartoon insect instead of…whatever else it might be! (I can tell already this might be important…because the Little Voice is getting upset about me trying to make light of this!)

My commitment:

To listen, even when I think it makes no sense and I’d rather ignore it.

To not make light of its messages!

To not try to antagonize it by blatantly flouting its warnings.

To honor the fact that it’s hard to listen to it.

To continue all the good balance-friendly things I tried last week — because I have the sense that the little voice came out because of the balance work.

To write in my journal a lot about this.

2. Nerve potion for Thursday

Coming up on Thursday I have another appointment with the needle. Ye gods I cannot even articulate how frightening it is to be doing this again and somehow it is even worse now that I know what it is going to be like. Ugh. Scared, scared, scared.

What I want: A plan for my nerves

Ways this could work:

Last time I wrote a VPA about getting through it. I don’t know — is that going to work again? If so, I need to write it without looking at the last one. The parts that are familiar are TOO DAMN SCARY right now.

I could spend some time on Monday thinking about it, nice and early, before I start freaking out about it being Too Soon To Think About.

I could write out the list of Ways This Time Will Be Different and Ways This Time Will Be The Same.

I could Shiva Nata my brains out in hopes of magically curing my fear. (Now there’s an interesting pattern…hoping for something outside of myself to magically fix something. Hmm. Maybe I should investigate this further.)

My commitments:

I will make sure to ride my bike every day between now and then — more joy is less fear. I think.

I will decide if I need to let go of any weekly commitments in order to make it happen smoothly.

I will write out the list of things to bring / favorite pajamas to wear.

I will enlist the help of my dear spouse to find out if he has any clues to the process.

3. Birdy potion (cheap cheap!)

Our household is in a financial holding pattern between now and Friday. We must be cheap asses, pecuniary hoarders, fiduciary spendthrifts! Good thing words are free…

What I want: To spend zero dollars on food between now and Friday

Ways this could work:

We have cupboards full of food — easily enough to tide us over. Except some of the things are not eat-the-same-day things…like beans that need to be soaked overnight. So we definitely need to think ahead about food.

Lunches at work will need to be creative. Think about cooking extra portions at breakfast to bring along for lunch.

I can cook something even if it doesn’t sound tasty. Like that package of chile soup I keep avoiding. I can do that thing where you take a no-thank-you portion and be done with it.

Don’t forget the old standby: the Murakami dinner, wherein you just kind of fry together a bunch of crap left over in your fridge, like every Murakami protagonist always seems to be doing.

Money could always fall from the sky — I’m not opposed to this happening. Or a variety of bizarre free-lunch situations could occur.

My commitment:

To not eat cheese sandwiches every night for dinner. That’s cheating!

To use my many bento boxes to bring yummy lunches to work.

To go adventuring into new food territory!

To remember that we actually do this a lot throughout the year — it’s not special this time, it’s just a thing I want to be conscious of.

.

To report back on prior Very Personal Ads…of course last week I asked to get some quality time with Balance, and I ended up designing a personal Rally in order to do that, and it was quite successful! Awesome. I felt like I got a good amount of stuff done at work, too, which was key. I’m still learning about what kind of systems I might want to support me…right now I’ve fallen out of the habit of using my What and How lists (shocking!) but I do think they are a good tool. Perhaps I just don’t have enough long-term tasks in order to fill one up? I’m sure that focusing on what I need, through balance work, journaling, and my morning Shiva Nata practice, will help me figure out new systems if I need them.

Happy Sunday, everyone! And a very good night to you.

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About jesse k.

Writer. Mama. Spy in the house of self-awareness. Occasional crafter, letterpress geek, and academic snob.
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