Friday Check-in: even when I’m not happy about it

This is one of those Fridays that I dread checking in, just a little bit. Because looking back, I know so much hard stuff happened. It’s outweighing the good stuff. There’s all kinds of sad hide-in-a-cave feelings when I think about acknowledging how I feel. But here goes anyway:

The hard things.

The physical pain. The emotional pain too, this week. Are they connected? So much hard. (I know I know I know they are linked and yet it’s so overwhelming to think about all the links so I try to hide my head in the sand.)

Thinking and talking about the pain to various people (self, blog, therapist, friends) and yet it doesn’t make it any better. It’s just still there. So whatever body-mind connection needs to happen HASN’T HAPPENED YET. Immense frustration about this. So hard to be in my body and my mind at the same time and connect the two.

Missing Yoga because of a schedule conflict but ALSO because I knew it would aggravate my already tired nerve during a very long day. Schedule mess-ups make me unhappy: bodily limits even moreso.

Lots of missed sleep because my pain management has been ineffective. Lots of tears because sometimes there is no position that feels good to lie down in, so standing is the only option, and yet I’m so tired and want to lie down! Ugh.

Simultaneously needing a lot of rest but being unwilling to engage with that need at first, which resulted in: not much accomplished this week. I tried to turn this around by writing about it, but even acknowledging the stuck and the hurt has only resulted in a kind of dull medium state of gray inbetweens. No bright sparkling happy stuff after the revelations and kind self-parenting; just the gray inbetweens.

The good things.

My daughter is walking for realsies now. She just does it whenever, la-di-dah, like last night on the porch, even though my husband and I still freak out a little when we see it. Her cuteness is both soul-crushing and soul-expanding, if you can imagine that.

Reaching out to my allies after being reminded by my lovely spouse that if my pain is coming back then I shouldn’t go it alone, you know? Now scheduled: a new scary yet helpful injection, physical therapy, and a back mechanics class.

Going for more evening walks even when it seems too hot for it, because September is already here (!!!) and it’s never as hot as you think. I know I’ll miss it when the rain really and truly arrives this fall/winter.

Our students are back on campus! Awww. They are so very young—this year’s freshmen were born in 1992! But their optimism and energy always makes the campus feel more alive, and that makes coming to work nice even when I am grumpy about the sudden lack of good parking spots.

Shiva Nata to help get through some of the hard things. It makes my arms feel awesome and gives my brain the tiniest opening through which the tiniest of epiphanies are pushed out. Because maybe I’m not ready for anything bigger right now?

This one moment: yesterday evening, sitting on the back deck with my loves, bowl of tasty food in hand, relaxed and letting the warm breeze relax me further. Beautiful and perfect and calm and just heart-full-of-good.

Read and seen elsewhere:

Delicious recipes for Raspberry Scones and Snickerdoodles. Might try to make one using some of my favorite sugar-replacements from Healthy Indulgences (a.k.a. the blog that saved my life when I had gestational diabetes and couldn’t eat sugar).

Sophie Blackall‘s amazing paintings interpreting Craigslist personal ads. Whimsy and humor and poignancy and beauty. Go take a look: The Hot Toll Collector! The Unbelievable Moustache on the C!

Havi’s post on Bolivia. So much goodness in the comments (and occasional hilarity when some visitors missed the metaphor). I’ve been reflecting on the notion of identity in a good way, because of it. More conscious of my words and attitudes, because of it. A must-read, trust me.

A neat post from one of my favorite letterpress studios, Iron and Ornament in New Orleans. Such excellent curlicues and rococo decorations, enough to keep any designer (or architecture groupie) dreaming for months.


That’s it for my Friday! I wish for myself: better pain control, including preemptive strikes when necessary, in order to enjoy this long weekend with my family. I wish for you: the best kind of thing that you don’t know you need, but will come to you anyway and make your weekend some kind of wonderful. xo.


About jesse k.

Writer. Mama. Spy in the house of self-awareness. Occasional crafter, letterpress geek, and academic snob.
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